John Hurt 1940 -2017

John Hurt, actor, raconteur, drinker, wrinkle-factory, died today. Little is known of the birth of John Hurt, save that it was to the son of a preacher man and Dusty Springield. Hurt was on a particularly elegant sofa.  

A chesterfield such as the one where John Hurt was born

Whilst at school Hurt showed an interest in acting, taking the role of Lady Bracknell Town. He uttered the famous line 'A handbag' in answer to the question, 'what will your skin be like in a few years time?'.

Hurt then went on to study at St Martin's College of art and Design, causing his parents to become excited that their dream of him becoming an art teacher might actually come true.

It did not, Hurt pursued his acting dream, appearing in theatre and television. He starred in the 1974 George Harrison funded film Little Malcolm, later remade for television as Malcolm in the Middle. He also appeared in I, Clavdivs as Calligraphy, the emperor who was mad about lettering. He also played cigarette smuggler Winston Smith in 1984 in 1984.

Hurt's breakthrough performance, though, came in the production The Naked Civil Servant. He portrayed Quentin Crisp. At the time, people said playing Crisp would end his career. Then again people say eating crisps will end your life, but that doesn’t make it necessarily a bad idea. Anyway, they were wrong and Hurt's portrayal won him much acclaim.

John Hurt playing a young Maggie Smith playing Quentin Crisp

Continuing his tendency to portray outsiders and misfits, Hurt then went on portray John Merrick, elephant man and part-time guitarist with Adam and the Ants.

It took seven hours of make up for Hurt to look like the elephant man, which makes you wonder how ugly he must have been beforehand. It was worth it though, critics and audiences alike marvelled at the sensitive portrayal of Merrick. Hurt took home an Oscar for his troubles.

It wasn’t just award-winning films he was in, though. He was in stuff you've seen too, including Harry Potter, Hellboy and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Despite all these roles, however, most people will remember John Hurt like this...

The film is, of course, Alien, in which Hurt is seen here experiencing the consequences of the Galaxy's hottest curry.

Hurt's personal life was as colourful as his screen existence too. Hurt drank with O' Toole, Burton and Harris, or at least thought he did, but couldn't really quite remember for sure as it was all a bit of a blur.

With the drinking came trouble, even as late as 2004 when he was thrown out of Spearmint Rhino for 'boorish behaviour' which makes you wonder if he shouldn't have behaved a little more rhino-ish instead.

All this and more was documented in the 2008 film of stories from John's life, The Hurt Locker. 

Hurt was married four times and seemed to really be getting the hang of it on that last go, when pancreatic cancer unfortunately intervened.

Farewell John Hurt, you will always be The Storyteller to me. Also you were Hazel in Watership Down. Brilliant.  

Graham Taylor 1944 - 2017

Graham Taylor, theologian and manager of the England football team, passed away today.

Born in Worksop, Taylor grew up in Sblockedhorpe, the son of a sports journalist who wanted to write about his son for a living.

Taylor showed promise as a player and soon turned professional, becoming The Apprentice at Sblockedhorpe Town FC but he was eventually fired for not selling enough sausages at a continental market. After this, he turned in performances for Grimsby, scoring 37% on Rotten Tomatoes.

It was as a manager, thought, that Taylor will really be remembered.  He found success as manager of Watford Town, a team captained by pop superstar Elton John who was notorious for getting booked for aggresive conduct if the game was scheduled too late on a Saturday. Taylor guided star names such as Jaqueline Blisset and rapper John Barnes to take Watford to the first division.

After this, Taylor went repeated his success with Aston Villa. Then in 1990 he got the job of managing the England team.

Unfortunately for Taylor, his squad included Alan 'Sheep' Shearer, comedian Robin Ince, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Peter Beardsley and a load of jizz in goal, none of whom could knock it.

As a result, England was knocked out in the qualifying stages, causing The Sun newspaper to liken Taylor to a turnip, cleverly implying that he was useless, whilst retaining the opportunity should he have turned into a success to use the headline 'That's a turnip for the books'.

This frustrating period was captured memorably in the film The Impossible Job, where he became known for his catchphrases including 'Can we not knock it', 'Do I not like that' and 'You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off'.

Sadly, Taylor was unable to inspire the England players to the heights they have subsequently proved incapable of reaching. In 1993 he resigned to spend more time in his allotment talking to vegetables, who were at least more likely to listen to him.

Further management stints at Watford and Hi Ho Wolverhampton  followed, along with a late-life career as a pundit on Radio 5 Live.

After returning once more to Watford as Director and Interim Chairman, Taylor was made honorary president for life of the club he loved. A stand at the Watford ground on Vicarage road bears his name to this day. It is not a turnip stand.

Graham Tayor has passed away. Do I not like that?

David Bowie 1947 - 2016

David Bowie, actor, singer-songwriter and astronaut passed away today.

Born Davy Jones in Brixton to Peggy and John,

1953 move to Bromley

1962 schoolyard punch-up, the pupil in David’s left eye remained permanently dilated, 

As a youngster he formed a band called the Kon-Rads before quitting to set up a new outfit, a blues-influenced band named the King Bees, a name he hit upon after a particularly insect-infested picnic. After this was another band, the Manish Boys who aren't remembered for much, despite releasing a single with Mr T, I Pity The Fool.  

Little-known musical collaborator

After this came another band, The Lower Third, whose name along showed their lack of ambition, so inevitably the day came that Davy Jones went solo. This was also the first time Bowie displayed his astonishing capacity for self-reinvention, changing his look radically so he was barely recognisable - something that was to become a hallmark of his career. 

From Davy Jones to David Bowie - the first transformation

Bowie put together a backing band called The Buzz, suggesting he still hadn't yet recovered from his obsession with bees. After an initial release of a novelty single entitled The Laughing Gnome flopped, he then released an LP entitled David Bowie because he was still having trouble remembering his new name.  

It was about this time that Bowie started studying mime, which doesn't suggest much faith in his singing.

In 1969, whilst working as an astronaut, Bowie released a recording of his messages back to earth, which became the basis for his breakout hit, Space Oddity. Then in 1970, The Man Who Sold The World was released in the US, prompting many to suspect that, whilst in space, Bowie had encountered aliens... after all, who else would you sell the world to?

The answer came with his next band, when Bowie recruited his new extra-terrestrial friends along with Alvin Stardust's brother into the band Ziggie Stardust and the Spiders From Mars.

He went on to score his first UK number one album with Aladdin Sane, the soundtrack to that year's least entertaining panto.

In 1976 Bowie came back to this planet as described in the documentary The Man Who Fell to Earth. It was at this time that he found notoriety by expressing a certain sympathy with the fascism, prompting outrage in the UK so that he ended up seeking to quell people's concerns by relocating to Berlin.

Further success came with the music accompanying seventies throwback cop drama Ashes to Ashes. 

Possibly the peak of Bowie's career, though, came in 1986, when he played Jareth, the Goblin King in the film Labyrinthe, alongside Jennifer Connelly and a number of other muppets.

It was downhill from here, with the formation of Bowie's new band, Tin Ear Machine, and his dabbling in islam resulting in a marriage to a Somalian Imam.

After this, it was basically releasing a load of old rubbish, but in 1997 he put himself back in the headline by releasing Bowie Bonds, a financial instrument that promised investors a big payout if Bowie were to ever construct a substantial piece of national infrastructure.

In latter years, Bowie got his groove back, releasing the single Where Are We Now, giving him his first UK top 10 hit since 1993 and, in 2014 he won the Brit award for Best British Male, which is either an impressive achievement, or speaks pretty badly of all the other British males in the world.

It was to be Bowie's swansong as 2016 was to be the year liver cancer finally got the better of David Bowie.

Thanks for all the tunes, David, you truly were a star, man.